… Tell me if you’ve heard this one before.
Maureen Dowd, of the New York Times, has a piece summarizing the advice of Father Pat Connor, a 79 year old priest now in New Jersey, on marriage, advice culled from a lecture that Connor gives to girls in local high schools. And while I am rarely in agreement with anything that Dowd says, and really cannot remember the last time I read one of her columns and said “Hey, now that’s some damned good writing” or “Gee, golly, that makes me think,” in this one she’s literally just sharing the words of someone else. And that’s why it’s readable.
Anyway. I actually liked what this guy had to say. (I’m half tempted to send it to Paul, or my brother–it works just as good for men as it does women.) For a talk directed at mid-to-late adolescents, it’s surprisingly candid and reasonable.
I asked him to summarize his talk:
“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.
“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.
“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.
“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)
“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.
“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’
“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.
“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.
“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.
“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?
“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
Doesn’t it sound like Dowd just cut him off there? Like there was something more to Connor’s last statement? Something along the lines of life being unfair, yes, but really now? All these suggestions do is eliminate the people who wouldn’t make that great a fit for you anyway. He suggests that you compromise on your expectations, not your values. Which isn’t a bad way to go, honestly.
Heck, maybe I’ll forward it to Andrea too.
Anyway. I was just kind of surprised how readable and even relevant I found the man’s points. I suppose I am continually surprised by how human and even understanding members of the religious clergy can be. Apparently it just takes one bad example to scar you for life. Or scare. Probably a mix of both.